| blah. and well fuck......no just blah |
[12 May 2004|01:02am] |
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mood |
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 jump just to feel the fall |
] |
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music |
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bill hicks........ |
] |
ok soooo i don't know got piss ass drunk for the first time last night. don't know why. i just drink all at once. appparently no matter how much is in a cup. oh well it happens. had to think long and hard about some things that happened. my back hurt last night. omg did it hurt. havent felt pain like that since i went to the doctor about it last time. i apparently upset a few friends. when will people begin to understand the fact that i don't feel like most people feel. emotion just doens't effect me like it effects most people. i'm not even sure i feel emotion. i know its there, i just don't know if i feel it. kind of like my arm. i can tell when something is ouching it, but i can't feel it. oh well it happens. i guess its my own fault anyway. on all accounts. well company here. so i guess i'll converse later. herumph there needs to be another taro reeding. more questions. more non answers. argh. soon. soon i shall find out one way or another. PAIN IS NOT ALWAYS A BAD THING. how many times did i get that card in five minutes. well fuck i guess it was meant for me to hear. i most definantly heard it.
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| well fuck me |
[02 May 2004|09:35pm] |
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mood |
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 wheres my knife... |
] |
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music |
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three days grace - just like you |
] |
ok so today has been shit. around 1:00am i got to go on a one wat street down memory lane of hell. roomy was apparently upset over some stuf. didn't feel like he could deal anymore. so he took 6 zanex and 2 tranqualizers, and cut his wrists. so he gets back from his walk and we realize what all has happened, we take a look at it and its pretty bad. we get it all cleaned up. michelle wraps it up and we take him to the er. we get there and we are admitted in immediatly. go to the back. the doctor likes michelles wrappings. says he doesn't think htere needs to be stitches. a nurse comes and wraps it all up again. we sit around for an hour and a half. there is a psychiatrist that comes in. my roomys already asleep. so me and michelle answer the questions. she leaves. we sit and wait and wait and wait. then the male nurse comes back we ask him whats going on he says he'll make a few phone calls and see whats up. he comes back and says they want to admit him to a psych ward. a guard walks up and stands beside the door so for the rest of the day my roomy had a shadow. the next crew came in around 7:00. the new doctor on call said he wanted to put stitches in. so now he has 12 stitches in his left arm, none in the right. the psych lady never came back to talk to him. then about 12:00 acadian ambulance shows up saying they are here to pick up m roomy. he gets upset. was forceful in his verbal confrontation. he eventually was escorted to NO psych ward. we went to see hi mto drop off some stuff for him. don't know how much he got to keep. i hope hes doing as good as he looked to have been doing. i hope i can hold up enough for everyone else.
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| what if |
[21 Apr 2004|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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 broken and battered i lie here |
] |
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music |
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afi the leaving song pt2 |
] |
what if i said i wanted to not be here anymore. what if i said i just didn't want anyone else to be here anymore. please just some peace. some rest.
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| me |
[17 Apr 2004|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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stab me |
] |
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music |
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AFI - silver and gold |
] |
my mom seems all worried about me now. trying to take me to a psychiatrist. wants to even come with me. my meds are still playing with my head and my stomach. nothing unexpected. losing faith/hope in people. not sure why. losing my will, just becoming numb. i know i should hurt. there is pain being inflicted but i jsut don't care. how long must a lion run around his cage hoping to get free before he realizes he will never be free? that that cage is now his home. have i checked all the bars on my cage yet? why can't i just accept this as home? i love the cold but my december can not last 12 months of the year.
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| who knows |
[10 Apr 2004|05:25am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
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music |
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kill me please |
] |
what to say........crimson runs thick on an empty night. clean the blade, scratch the surface, yearn for one more run. just a little deeper, just a little harder, it might just be fun. don't try to take what keeps me sane. don't deny me my brief happiness. don't be affraid. it is a good thing. trust me and know.
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| no |
[20 Mar 2004|01:30am] |
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mood |
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just none |
] |
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music |
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none |
] |
no. just no.
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| happy!!!:( |
[12 Mar 2004|12:27am] |
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mood |
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 need rest |
] |
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music |
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manson dope show |
] |
so it is. sammys getting married saturday. yays. i'm happy for her. not so happy that i'm being put in a tux and they are making me take pictures but hey it happens. and she is worth it so i won't bitch too much. have a job working 7 days a week 10 hours a day. not bad all things considered but i'm getting really worn down. shouldn't have to worry about bills for much longer though. wanted to sing up for student life to work this summer. apparently they stopped taking applications in january. pretty much rules that option out. tried mending a broken friendship with an ex of mine. not sure it did any good. well see. tired. alone. very cute girl i'm walking down the isle with happens to be mormon and taken. ah well. supposed to be meeting someone soon. found out roommate got a new job and has to work the same time we were supposed to be going out. the people we were supposed to be going out with said no cause he wasn't going to be able to go. ah well. i see how it is. no worrys. must go. need sleep.
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| maybe...wait wait .....nope nevermind |
[18 Feb 2004|02:22am] |
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mood |
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sleeping pills, i laugh at you |
] |
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music |
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none - stupid computer |
] |
sowalk to work in the cold and rain because work asks me to. get sick and work gets pissed when i don't show cause i slept through my alarm after taking meds to try and feel better. but i still have the job so thats good right? then i get a phone call from a friend that says they have a job opening, the boss really needs help, paying 7.00 an hour would i like the job. sure wonderful i get to work with friends and pay buils. yay. then i see things and i hear things and it all comes crashing to my feet. just when i thought i could hear there names and not hurt anymore tonight i find out how wrong i really am. ah yes. my boss tells me he wants one thing, complains about the way its being done and the tells me he never wanted it that way to start with. ah well it pays good and i enjoy it. argh, but i'm thinking about cutting more often. it just i don't even know anymore. must learn to love life. must learn to be happy with myself. i miss too many people. i have a date saturday night. maybe. well see.
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| death |
[15 Feb 2004|12:38am] |
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mood |
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stab me please |
] |
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music |
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something someone called rap, but i went to d'ville |
] |
wish to kill, ...well wish to cut, either someone else or myself but there needs to be the tearing of flesh. Perhaps spilling of blood is neccessary aswell, don't know yet. my roomy says too messy to do it hear, but otherwise has no argumetn against. neyna says no, and nothing more, no reasons. have new job, pays well. my other job....well got first paycheck for 100 dollars, won't even pay rent. saw next weeks schedule, i work 10 hours, won't even pay for food. speaking of food, we are out. so i have a little side parttime job at lsu(where i got a parking ticket friday) making 7.00 hour. perhaps this shall make up for some of it. hopefully. ugh wish to cut. stopped taking my meds, maybe this is part of it. thinking i'm going nuts. must deal with this. hearing things, havne't seen anything serious yet. hoping i don't. valentines day sucks. someone shall have to explain this whole flirtting thign to me. i don't understand. everyone just says "you were, we don't know how to explain" ugh. herumph. will post more later.
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| rape me |
[04 Feb 2004|03:56am] |
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mood |
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i'm just waiting for you to en |
] |
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music |
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shinedown - 45 |
] |
rape me. like everyone else before you, rape me. rape my emotion, my life, my sex, my love, whatver is left of me rape it all. i am asking you to. please, i want you to be the next to rape all that i am.
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| push me a little further |
[28 Jan 2004|02:03am] |
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mood |
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anyone want to swing the bat? |
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music |
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tupac thugz mansion |
] |
so lets see. dealing with parents and how much i owe them, comes to roughly 600. doctors visits comes to roughly 800, lsu wants about 150, mississippi police want 148(whole story will explain) rent is 175 phone is 75 energy is 120 cox is 12.50 and there is no food and no job and as of 4 days ago no car cause no licence. **SCREAM** so yeah speeding through mississippi 4 months ago. i pass a car. i accelerate to pass is. i though speed limit was 65 aparently is was 55. so i pass this car, right after i do i'm going down hill so i do't bother hitting the brakes to slow down just let the car slow back down on the way back up the toher side. nope theres a cop. trafic ticket speeding violation. i go back to pay it and they tell me because its my first violation i can take some class and just return the paper and everything will be fine about 120 dollars cheaper. so i go to the class, and i thought i sent it off. apparently not. i get a letter at my parents house that i have 10 days frm the time it was sent to paythe fine of 148 or my license is revoked and i have a court date. i get this on january 26 the day i'm told my parents have it. the issued date is january 14. so the day i get it its already too late. friends best friends dad was stabbed to death. my cousins grandfather tried to commit suicide but is instead in critical condition(thank god)and my great aunt died while in a comma because they denied her food and water. and i still don't have a job and i keep applying. i'm going to have to borrow money from my grandmother. i'm going to have to put up with my parents. i'm going to have to deal with all of this and try not to break. i'll see what happens.
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| makes you say hmmmmm..... |
[19 Jan 2004|02:37pm] |
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mood |
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 pacing my 8 by 10 cage |
] |
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music |
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50 cent "lil bit a ereything" |
] |
no job. need one. looking. no money. need some. looking. no tires. need two. looking. no woman. need just one. thinking.
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| tonight |
[11 Jan 2004|04:53am] |
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mood |
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 wishing the sweat dripped off |
] |
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music |
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deftones - passanger |
] |
someone cum and take me with you.
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| running behind |
[28 Dec 2003|03:29am] |
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mood |
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1.2.3.boom. |
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music |
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linkin park. numb |
] |
so yeah. it was. it is. and will always be. i die. over and over and over. damn this sucks. who knows. maybe one day i won't die. but as far as i know i'm still dieing. if someone out there is looking to just royals fucking screw me over get in the fucking line. no skipping, please, i ahve a lot of people out there who have earned it. look i tell you what, how about i just i hust pass out bats at my funerla and you can all take it out on me that way. sounds like a good time right. i love, but am incapable of such things. i do not let myself love for people are not capable of loveing me. please do not tell me you love me. i can take no more lies. the words i wish to believe more than anything i will not let you dephile with lies. please. wait till you mean it to say soemthing. do not. you can not love what i am. do not try and fool yourself to think that you do. do not curse me with the words that i find so precious. i want you. can you ever want me. you have someone. you hurt everyday with someone you love. i could not hurt you the same way. i woulnd't allow it. and yet he is what you want. and you. do not lie to me either. you ahve no concept of love. to you it is just another word in the dictionary without a meaning. do not use it in my presence directed at me. i will leave. please remoev it from your vocabulary as far as i am concerned. none of you could truly love me. you will realize this in time.
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| whos who |
[18 Dec 2003|04:13pm] |
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mood |
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can't say i care though |
] |
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music |
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screams of a butterfly |
] |
i wish to speak in length. i shall do so soon. now is not the time or the place.
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| bah |
[16 Dec 2003|07:51pm] |
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mood |
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it shall come if it wants |
] |
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music |
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evanescence - tourniquet |
] |
shit is shit. still here. still happy. just lost a friend of mine. they used to be a really good friend. i guess people just change their mind at any second. put best "i'm a woman, i have the right to change my mind whenever i feel like it." damnit its so hard not to get revenge. it would be so easy. and i want to. i'm trying not to ruin anyone elses life. it would make me feel better. where are my bondage cuffs? i want them.i would like to wear them tonight. i feel in a bondage mood. why haven't i gotten my cat of nine tails back. its soo pretty. black and crimson. my two favorite colors in my favorite items of life. there is just something so beautiful about bondage. so close yet seperated by something that the other person has had and no longer wnts yet hangs on to because of what was. i do not understand. and yet i don't know if this is something i would truly want. there is the option of bondage being put to good use. thats always exciting. moving out. yay. i think. i need my knives. i need a GOOD katana. i need a dagger that i have constructed on paper, just need someone to make it. friends are good, lovers are close, hope has no place here, fear has no existence within these walls, but sadly enough sometimes neither do i. out stalking people in the shadows is where i feel at home. watching those that are nieve to what is with me. looking at those that have a soul. watching those that understand nothing else. watching elders sleep beyond the reach of me. watching the youth fumble around too close to the open. and all the while knowing that humans don't think twice about humanity. sure they use words of what a life should be, but they don't try. i have disconnected for a short time from the living. i have my circle of us. it seems fitting oddly enough that we found each other. we are here. and we are waiting. once upon a time i was cracked by the humans in my life. now they merely scratch at stone and beat helplessly against the walls thati have been willing to show them.
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| ok..so the loss of my soul isn't hurting that bad. |
[13 Dec 2003|05:07pm] |
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mood |
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so life goes on and on and on |
] |
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music |
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send the pain below |
] |
yeah. so went to see what my job would be like today. it wasn't too bad. yeah got up at the ass crack of dawn. alex was just crawling into bed. that made me a bit jelouse. wish i could ahve slept all day. perhaps that is what i shall do. wait no. i have work monday. and i have to get stuff from my grandfathers. my dads stuff is there from when he moved out. he said i could have what i needed. fun huh. but i'll be out in three weeks so thats good i guess. who knows maybe this will be a good thing. now i'm just tired and will probably be up all night at this party i'm going to.
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| hmmmmm..... |
[12 Dec 2003|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 uh oh |
] |
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music |
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just found old 80's dance |
] |
so things get just a little better. i have my friends back. apparently shit just happens and was wrong at the time. so thats good. just can't seem to shake the feeling that the shit is about to hit the fan. just don't want the suprise. but for now its getting a little better. just hope it stays. things are good.
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| so what now |
[11 Dec 2003|10:22pm] |
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mood |
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just calm before the storm |
] |
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music |
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locked in a cage |
] |
ok so shit is going half way decent again. didn't post for a few days cause i've been cutting or wishing i could cut. i lost two friends. two close friends of mine who claimed to have cared just fucking walked out and said they never wanted to speak to me again. so that sucked. ass. a lot. but now my corpse has grown just a bit colder and a bit thicker. i have a few more scars but on top of the rest of them you can't really see it anymore and i can't really feel it anymore. but... i did the get apartment for 350 a month. it has a dishwasher. we have some shit to put in it. we move in on the 1st. so all is cool there. soooo..... now that things are going half way decent, what the fuck is fixing to happen to fuck it all up? who knows.
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| i thought death allowed rest |
[04 Dec 2003|12:31am] |
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mood |
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don't have time to die |
] |
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music |
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tool - lateralus |
] |
applied for jobs. will apply for more. found out that cheap appartments are taken. expensive appartments are left. thinking about getting one bedroom and sharing it. it would save about a hundred. haven't been home. cell phone is convienient. future - unknown. friends are doing well. one of them has one thing less to worry over. everyone is freaking over finals. i can't afford a life. i want to understand. i want to see past my hands. i want to know. whos to say i can't. ugh. need to feed. will return later.
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